The hardest thing for me to admit is that I’ve been a little lost. The path has been murky, the mists have prevented perspective and all the jungle walking has sapped my courage, energy and drive. The shadows in the jungle and the damp mists want me to believe that I will always be lost, I will always belong no place and that the jungle will always be my lot in life.
But I am also found. Moment by hard moment. Daily. Hourly. Sometimes wielding a big stick to lean while jungle walking. I’m being found continually, the mists part a little with each and every one of my outward breaths. With each exhale I peek ahead and walk a step and take another breath. The path unfolds every time I take a step and all the jungle walking has given me incredible muscles. I have muscles physically, spiritually and metaphorically that I am proud of. Stronger. More compassionate. Less selfish, more real.
So here I am in the midst of January 2020, taking time to acknowledge and be at peace with my 2019 journey. Strength has been my word this year, my one thing to do, to be and to contemplate. As 2019 fades away I ask myself kindly what my word revealed to me. In a rush comes the failures. The failures squabble loudly, declaring out loud all the times I used my strength this year as a weapon. Too much strength not enough vulnerability, too much wearing strength as armour and self protection and not enough asking strength to be a cloak of light to lead and love well... the voices want me to see myself as a failure and as lost.
Then the rabble quiets and a confident, dignified voice declares "Well done, I am proud of you. Strength was holding tensions with courage, it was not running away when your heart was cracking, it was faithfully living open handed and open hearted whilst blood, sweat, snot and tears made you want to curl up and live on a cave. Strength was getting up every morning midst the risks of failure and rejection. Well done dear one, for exercising your strength." Mission complete. Found.
A new year is precious, so I will not rush or be pushed into 2020 ungrounded and not at peace. Instead I will go gently into the new year having acknowledged the struggles and be in gratitude for the wisdoms and teachings established. Reflective kindness towards self is an exquisite joy, and I want to sip it slowly and remember its vision, taste and aroma.
Thanks to Brene Brown, I am beginning to fully grasp and live out that I belong no place and every place simultaneously. I am becoming more sure that I belong to myself and that is my freedom.
I feel that 2020’s path is going to be a path for the brave, so in a few weeks when my heart has more to share, I’ll be back to sojourn with you again. Have you chosen a word for 2020? My word is nearly ready to be birthed.